Bullying starts small — here’s how to tell if your child is causing harm

Creating a more empathetic, emotionally intelligent society begins with awareness, and that awareness must begin at home.

WHILE many parents are vigilant about protecting their children from being bullied, fewer are prepared for the unsettling possibility that their child may actually be the one causing harm.

Accepting this reality can be difficult, but recognising the signs early and responding constructively is key to fostering accountability and personal growth.

Experts have long emphasised that bullying is not simply about “bad behaviour” but is often rooted in deeper emotional or social dynamics.

It can emerge in various forms, physical, verbal, relational, and digital and is often linked to power struggles, social hierarchies, or underlying psychological challenges.

University Putra Malaysia, Institute for Social Science Studies (IPSAS), Laboratory of Youth and Community Wellbeing, Head Laboratory, Dr Aini Azeqa Ma’rof urged a more constructive and compassionate approach through restorative practices, which centre around acknowledging harm, apologising, and making amends.

“Early warning signs often include a desire to dominate peers, lack of empathy, excessive competitiveness, or enjoyment from others’ discomfort.

“From a social identity theory angle, a child might put others down to elevate their own group or status,” she told Sinar Daily recently.

She emphasised that in digital spaces, bullying may appear as mocking messages, exclusionary remarks, or memes shared at another’s expense.

In person, it might involve manipulation in friendships, teasing that becomes excessive, or a rigid, controlling attitude.

Dr Aini also highlighted that denial is a common parental response and often stems from cognitive dissonance, holding two conflicting beliefs such as “my child is a good person” and “my child has harmed someone.”

In Malaysia’s collectivist culture, where a child’s behaviour is often seen as a reflection of the entire family, this can increase parents' defensiveness.

“To move past denial, parents need psychological safety and non-judgmental support from schools and community networks,” she added.

Dr Aini emphasised the need to move beyond blame and instead focus on personal growth.

Image for illustrative purposes only. - CANVA

She encouraged parents to see challenging behaviour as an opportunity for learning, saying, “Your child is learning. This is a chance to help them grow into someone better.”

She said that the first step involves starting a calm, open conversation, approaching the situation with curiosity rather than blame.

Questions like “What happened?” instead of “Why did you do that?” can prevent children from feeling defensive, while reflective prompts such as “How do you think they felt?” help build empathy and a sense of responsibility.

Restorative practices, she said, help repair emotional harm and rebuild relationships. Parents should coordinate with schools to ensure that messages are consistent and avoid public shaming.

Instead, the focus should be on empathy-building, setting healthy boundaries, and fostering responsibility.

Dr Aini also noted that bullying can be a mask for unresolved issues such as low self-esteem, unmanaged anger, or past trauma. Children who feel powerless in one environment—such as at home, may seek control in another, like at school.

“If bullying is persistent, or if it co-occurs with anxiety, depression, or defiance, it’s time to consult a school counsellor or psychologist.

“Early intervention helps not only stop harmful behavior, but also supports the child’s deeper emotional wellbeing,” she said.

She further pointed out that bullying is not simply about "bad kids" or momentary misbehaviour. Rather, it reflects the broader social environments that children are shaped by.

Through consistent parenting, open conversations, and coordinated efforts between schools and communities, children can be guided to navigate Malaysia’s complex social landscape with kindness, empathy, and courage.

Adding to the discussion, CPC International Managing Director and child psychologist Dr Noor Aishah Rosli outlined some common early behavioural signs of bullying.

CPC International Managing Director and child psychologist Dr Noor Aishah Rosli

These include frequent teasing, aggression, lack of remorse after hurting others, blaming peers, and laughing at others’ misfortunes.

She stated that many parents struggle to accept such signs due to fear of being judged, guilt (“Did I do something wrong?”), or simply the belief that their child is inherently good.

To help move past denial, she advised parents to focus on specific behaviours rather than labels.

“Schools should provide concrete examples. If the parents suspect, talk to the child calmly and openly, set clear consistent boundaries, work with school and monitor social media,” she said.

Dr Aishah added that bullying might also indicate deeper emotional struggles such as low self-esteem, exposure to violence or trauma, and difficulties with emotional regulation.

Conditions like mood disorders or oppositional defiant disorder may also be contributing factors.

She urged parents to seek professional help if the behaviour persists despite guidance, or if the child shows signs of depression, anxiety, defiance, isolation, or if there is ongoing family conflict.

Creating a more empathetic, emotionally intelligent society begins with awareness, and that awareness must begin at home.

As the experts agreed, the first step in building safer communities is recognising the signs, engaging in honest dialogue, and responding with compassion and accountability.