Carlin Quotes That Still Prove True Today

The Best Of George Carlin

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George Carlin was as beloved as he was controversial...and these wildly insightful quotes by the comedian are proof of that. In fact, one of his most famous quotes about human stupidity was not only comical—it was life changing.

And Where Are The Matches?

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“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles”.

Ignorance Is Bliss

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“I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore”.

A Chunk Of Change

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“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny”?

How To Spot A Con Man

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“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work”.

Seeing The Future

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“If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely”?

All In A Day’s Work

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“Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work”.

What A Paradox

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“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done”?

Rules Of The Road

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“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac”?

Lucky Guy

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"The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend”.

Isn’t That Just The Kiddy Section?

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"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool”?

Believe In People

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"People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them”.

Here Comes The Bride…

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"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence”?

The Truth Hurts

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“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid”.

But Then Again

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“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it”.

On Optimism

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“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be”.

Seeing Touching Is Believing

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“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure”.

Thinking Out Loud

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“I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions”.

To Each Their Own

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“Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes”.

Who Else Is In The Third Category?

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“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that”.

Procrastination Pays Off

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"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam”.

Trust Yourself

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"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept”.

Beggars CAN Be Choosers

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"I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend. I didn't bother with him”.

DIY

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"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose”.

Making Small Talk

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"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place”.

TMI

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"If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it”?

Win The War, Not The Battle

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"Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town”.

Like A Needle In A Haystack

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"There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it”.

Be True—Or Don’t

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"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy”.

Look Around

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"My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place”.

Choose Your Destiny

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"People always tell me 'Have a nice day.' Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day”?

What’s The Point?

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"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point”.

Every Dad’s Favorite Quote

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"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things”.

When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

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"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better”.

Take My Breath Away

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"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away”.

What Was It That Descartes Said?

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"I think I am, therefore, I am...I think”.

You Are What You Do

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"Would a fly without wings be called a walk”?

Makes You Think

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"What if there were no hypothetical questions”?

Timing Is Everything

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"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past”.

It’s All An Illusion

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"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think”.

That’s One Way To Do Things

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"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten”.

Incredible, Insightful, Inspiring

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"I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity”.

Toe The Line

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"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately”.

Dance To Your Own Beat

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"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music”.

How Do You Think We Got Here?

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“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist”.

Technically True

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“Atheism is a non-prophet organization”.

Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention

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“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done”.

It’s A Matter Of Perspective

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“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it”.

When’s The Recital?

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“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”“?

The Root Of The Problem

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“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem”.

Appearance Is Everything

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“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity”.

Local Entertainment

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“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat”.

If He Only Knew How Much It Cost Now

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“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. ”

Life Lessons

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“Don’t just teach your children to read…Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything”.

The Bumper Sticker Every Kid Hopes For

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“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car”.

In The Dark

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“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did”.

A Fine Balance

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“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit”.

Ideas Man

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“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ”

Growing Up

The Best Of George Carlin, And Where Are The Matches?, Ignorance Is Bliss, A Chunk Of Change, How To Spot A Con Man, Seeing The Future, All In A Day’s Work, What A Paradox, Rules Of The Road, Lucky Guy, Isn’t That Just The Kiddy Section?, Believe In People, Here Comes The Bride…, The Truth Hurts, But Then Again, On Optimism, Seeing Touching Is Believing, Thinking Out Loud, To Each Their Own, Who Else Is In The Third Category?, Procrastination Pays Off, Trust Yourself, Beggars CAN Be Choosers, Making Small Talk, Win The War, Not The Battle, Like A Needle In A Haystack, Be True—Or Don’t, Look Around, Choose Your Destiny, What’s The Point?, Every Dad’s Favorite Quote, When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot, Take My Breath Away, What Was It That Descartes Said?, You Are What You Do, Makes You Think, Timing Is Everything, It’s All An Illusion, That’s One Way To Do Things, Incredible, Insightful, Inspiring, Toe The Line, Dance To Your Own Beat, How Do You Think We Got Here?, Technically True, Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention, It’s A Matter Of Perspective, When’s The Recital?, The Root Of The Problem, Appearance Is Everything, Local Entertainment, If He Only Knew How Much It Cost Now, Life Lessons, The Bumper Sticker Every Kid Hopes For, In The Dark, A Fine Balance, Ideas Man, Growing Up, And The Best Advice Of All?

“And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me”.

And The Best Advice Of All?

The Best Of George Carlin, And Where Are The Matches?, Ignorance Is Bliss, A Chunk Of Change, How To Spot A Con Man, Seeing The Future, All In A Day’s Work, What A Paradox, Rules Of The Road, Lucky Guy, Isn’t That Just The Kiddy Section?, Believe In People, Here Comes The Bride…, The Truth Hurts, But Then Again, On Optimism, Seeing Touching Is Believing, Thinking Out Loud, To Each Their Own, Who Else Is In The Third Category?, Procrastination Pays Off, Trust Yourself, Beggars CAN Be Choosers, Making Small Talk, Win The War, Not The Battle, Like A Needle In A Haystack, Be True—Or Don’t, Look Around, Choose Your Destiny, What’s The Point?, Every Dad’s Favorite Quote, When The Shoe Is On The Other Foot, Take My Breath Away, What Was It That Descartes Said?, You Are What You Do, Makes You Think, Timing Is Everything, It’s All An Illusion, That’s One Way To Do Things, Incredible, Insightful, Inspiring, Toe The Line, Dance To Your Own Beat, How Do You Think We Got Here?, Technically True, Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention, It’s A Matter Of Perspective, When’s The Recital?, The Root Of The Problem, Appearance Is Everything, Local Entertainment, If He Only Knew How Much It Cost Now, Life Lessons, The Bumper Sticker Every Kid Hopes For, In The Dark, A Fine Balance, Ideas Man, Growing Up, And The Best Advice Of All?

"Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath”.

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