I regret changing my son’s school – three years later we moved him back

Dee Privet’s son was just seven when she decided that moving schools would be the best thing for him. He was settled and happy at his first primary school, had made good friends, and was meeting the expected academic levels for his age. But he’d been diagnosed with both autism and ADHD, and she worried that his school didn’t offer enough support for children with special educational needs (SEN). She feared that, as he got older, he would fail to thrive; she also had an older child at the school who she felt, in hindsight, hadn’t been given the extra help they needed. A new school had opened nearby and Privet’s head was turned by its first Ofsted report, which had specifically praised its work with SEN pupils and had achieved an outstanding rating. She hoped it would help her son flourish as he prepared for secondary school. “On paper, it seemed brilliant,” she says. “I thought it might be better for him and I wanted to give him the best opportunity I could. One of my other friends was also moving her child with SEN there. It was basically a case of ‘the grass is always greener’.” Privet, 43, from Kent, spoke to her son and he was open to a move despite his settled friendships. He transferred when he was eight and settled in easily, but almost immediately Privet had regrets. “He wasn’t unhappy but I very quickly realised, after just a few months, that the SEN provision wasn’t quite what it was made out to be,” she says.

I thought my son might bear a grudge

She still had to push for adjustments for her son, and she says promises made in his support plan weren’t followed through on. “The school was run like a business. If you wanted to speak to a teacher you had to make an appointment with them through the office. I didn’t know the names of anyone in his class. It was a very cold and unfeeling playground.” Then the pandemic hit and, with her son being schooled from home, Privet felt totally unsupported. Work was assigned that she found impossible to complete with her children – “getting a nine-year-old with autism to sit down and do work when he’s scared and doesn’t understand is nigh on impossible” – but there was no alternative material or plan provided. She ended up speaking to his former school, to ask about the possibility of switching back. While the process took time his former teachers stepped up and provided learning packs for him to take home before he was even re-enrolled as a pupil. By the time he was 10, her son was back at his original school – a move which her son, now 15, was also happy to make. “They couldn’t wait to have him back, and I knew I’d made the right decision straight away. They treated him like a person rather than a number on a spreadsheet,” she says. “I thought he might bear a bit of a grudge [against me] about it, but luckily he didn’t.” But Privet now warns parents to listen to their gut when it comes to school choice, not what official reports or friends and neighbours are telling you. “I just thought it seemed like the best idea,” she says, “but it’s one of the few things I really regret as a parent.” (Photo: Dee Privet)

A choice with significant risks

Switching your child’s school is one of the biggest and most difficult decisions a parent can make on their child’s behalf – and one that comes with significant risks. Approximately 300,000 children move schools within each school year, according to an analysis of transitions published in 2015 (some of the latest national data available). More recent studies have found that, although children in care or living in temporary housing are more likely to face multiple moves, any school switch is correlated to lower academic attainment regardless of the child’s socio-economic background and family stability. A 2022 paper by academics at the University of Bristol concluded: “We have substantiated the idea that moving school is a negative and disruptive event for students, with consistently negative associations.” These findings remained statistically significant even after controlling for prior academic attainment. (Photo: Nathan Stirk/Getty)

One in eight children age 10-15 unhappy at school

With parents becoming more engaged in their children’s education than ever after the experience of home learning during lockdowns, the issue about what type of schooling is right for their child is at the forefront of parents’ minds. While more parents than ever are choosing to home educate their children, others are concerned that they may not have made the right choices for their offspring. One in eight children aged between 10 and 15 currently report being unhappy at school, according to a new report from the Children’s Society. Families seem increasingly unhappy with the teaching and wider support their offspring are receiving, too, with school leaders facing a rising tide of complaints. Two-thirds of school leaders say the number of complaints against their staff rose in the last academic year, according to law firm Browne Jacobson. In fact, the trend seems to be a global one. A study of parents of schoolchildren in the US found that almost two-thirds had considered moving their child’s school last year, though far fewer (around a quarter) went through with the shift. (Photo: David Jones/PA)

Starting to say things like ‘I hate school’

For many parents, the potential reward of a move is much greater than the risk of regret. Jenny Lucas, 40, from Berkshire, moved her daughter from one secondary school to another after just one year. Her child also has autism and ADHD, and holds an EHCP – a certificate of educational needs that sets out the support a school must provide to ensure she can flourish. At primary, she had been a happy and engaged child, and Lucas had high hopes for the secondary school they had chosen. She already knew some of the teaching staff at the school through her professional network as a local council employee, and the school had a good reputation for supporting children with SEN. But when her daughter joined, the support just was not there. She struggled to make friends and spent most of her week outside of the regular classroom in an extra support facility, being given worksheets to do alone, and, crucially, without any extra guidance. Within weeks, she started to withdraw, dropped behind in her subject learning and became miserable. “She started to say things like ‘I hate school’ and she was late every day because she couldn’t motivate herself to get in. She didn’t really have any friends, and there was no support from adults to help her with that, and she stopped seeing her primary school friends outside of school. She was teary and often felt apologetic. It just really knocked her confidence.” (Photo: 10'000 Hours/Getty/Digital Vision)

‘She’s a completely different child’

When the family met with the local council to review her EHCP, Lucas reported that she was unhappy and requested a move. A new place was found for her by the end of the school year, and in September, she started Year 8 in a different institution. The difference was remarkable, Lucas says. By the end of Year 7, Lucas’s daughter had only been able to attend around 20 per cent of lessons. Less than a year later, she’s in mainstream, mixed-ability lessons every day and is also thriving in extracurricular activities such as football and athletics. “She’s as settled as I hoped she would ever be.
She is a completely different child and it is all down to a small handful of teachers – her head of year, her form tutor. She’s said to me this is my favourite school year she’s ever had,” she says. Lucas had been anxious about the move, but was encouraged to make it by her husband, who felt that their child couldn’t afford to “lose another year” of education. In the end, they found the courage by treating it as a last-ditch attempt before they tried something completely different, like homeschooling. “You always want to do the right thing for your kid, but in our case we took the leap and it’s really paid off in the best ways,” she says. “That’s not a guarantee but the risk is worth it if your child is really down in the dumps.” (Photo: Daniel Leal/AFP via Getty)

Reassure them mixed emotions are okay

Educational psychologist Dr Katie Barge says a parent validating a child’s feelings can help a child with the process of adjustment. “Acknowledge worries, sadness, excitement or confusion,” she recommends. “Let your child know that mixed emotions are normal and OK. Keep as many familiar routines as possible during the transition, as predictability helps to reduce anxiety.” Building a plan for the first few weeks in a new environment, including exactly what to expect and who a child can turn to for help if they need it, can also calm any nerves, she says. Being mindful of your own language when talking about the school switch is also important, she says. “Speak confidently and positively about the move around your child. Children pick up on tone and body language even more than words.” (Photo: fizkes/Getty)

The signs your child needs a fresh start

Although parents might want to avoid moving schools, Dr Barge says there are some important signs that a new start might be better for your child: persistent distress such as ongoing anxiety, stomach and headaches, meltdowns or school refusal are common signs that things are not right, as well as struggling to make friends or frequent disciplinary issues. Other warning signs include frequent negative comments about the school or their teachers, or a sudden change in behaviour, according to Ben Kelly, founder of PrepUp, which supports parents in the private sector to move primary schools. Children lacking interest in joining clubs, sports or other activities is also a red flag as it suggests the school environment “does not foster a sense of belonging or community for your child.” However, Kelly says decision-making about schools can be particularly tricky due to the emotions involved in parenting, and he warns families to look out for “behavioural biases” that we are all prone to. “For example, the sunk cost effect, [where] so much time and [for some parents] money has been vested in the current school, [they say] ‘do we want to change?’ Or regret theory: ‘All our friends are moving to school X, so we cannot possibly stay where we are, we must move.’” It is a lot to consider, which may leave parents floundering. Dr Barge echoes other parents’ advice to listen to your gut above all else. “As a parent, you often notice subtle signs before others do, so don’t dismiss your observations,” she says. (Photo: 10'000 Hours/Getty/Digital Vision)

ADHD diagnosis

Sarah Walker, 51 from London, is one of those parents who followed her hunch twice. She moved her daughter once in primary school and again during secondary. During primary school, she was regularly called up by teachers over disciplinary issues and watched her child shrink in the face of constant criticism. “She was basically labelled as naughty and disruptive,” she explains. “With classroom management it was always ‘get out of the class’. Every intervention was being removed, and it just made her feel rubbish. She wouldn’t get invited to other kids’ parties, and she felt like a real outcast.” Walker switched her daughter’s primary at the end of Year 5, and she flourished in a new environment. “She just fitted in. She made friends, the other kids really liked her because she was a laugh, and she was given a really good part in the school play. I was overjoyed to see her given opportunities that she wouldn’t have been given otherwise.” When the new school’s special needs coordinator finally received a file from her previous headteacher, they said they didn’t recognise the child described in their reports. Sadly, her daughter’s happy experience was cut short by a difficult transition to secondary school. She was soon facing the same problems and Walker began to worry that she was being written off by teachers. She was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated with Ritalin, which she says changed her personality and made her unwell. “She was having a bath, and I could see her spine and ribs. I thought she looked emaciated. She was drugged up to the eyeballs purely for classroom management.” (Photo: Becky Wright)

‘Moving my child’s school saved her life’

Walker pulled her out of school and moved her to a boarding school in Sussex, which allowed children to move freely around the school and attend classes when and where they felt motivated to learn. She passed her GCSEs and, now aged 24, is a photographer and entrepreneur living abroad. Her mother says the decision to move her, though it meant downsizing from a house to a flat to afford the fees, saved her life – “She would have been the worst kind of person in our society you can think of ‘stealing, drugs’ that’s the path she would have been on,” she says. “You know your child better than anybody else, and the education system is absolutely broken. There are alternatives out there; just trust your own instincts and fight your corner.” (Photo: Ben Birchall/PA)