What are friends, and how many do you actually need?

What is a friend?

We all have our idea of what a friend is, but how do specialists define a "friend?" Mariam-Webster, for instance, defines a friend as "one attached to another by affection or esteem." Of course there are many other similar definitions in other sources, but what do they actually mean?

What is friendship?

According to biological anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist Professor Robin Dunbar, friendship is "the number of people you can have a relationship with involving trust and obligation―there's some personal history, not just names and faces."

How many people do we know?

According to Professor Dunbar's research on historical data about group sizes, humans have mostly organized themselves in groups of up to 150 people.

Doomsday Book

The Doomsday Book of 1086 was a survey of land and landholding, and it constitutes the UK's earliest public record. The average village size on record had 150 people.

Social circles

Professor Dunbar suggests that five people is the average number of close loved ones we have. This is followed by up to 15 good friends.

Social brain

Research conducted by Oxford University suggests that there is a "correlation of brain size to social group sizes in non-human primates." This has lead to the hypothesis that human brains are larger to accommodate wider social connections.

"The number of individuals a person can maintain true relationships with is limited by the programming of our brain," says biological anthropologist Erin Wayman. But "even with all the supporting evidence, it's hard to prove that primates, including humans, evolved large brains in response to the social challenges of group living," she adds.

How about social media?

It turns out, "users can entertain a maximum of 100–200 stable relationships." This strengthens Professor Robin Dunbar's research.

What makes a good friend?

Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University, suggests that good friendship traits fall into three categories: integrity, caring, and congeniality. These then can be split into a number of traits. Let's take a look at each of them.

Traits of integrity: trustworthiness

This is what Dr. Degges-White calls the "make or break" trait in a friendship, and it's easy to understand why. We need to be able to trust the other person to have a meaningful relationship where we can open up, be vulnerable, and be our authentic selves.

Traits of integrity: being dependable

Being dependable is a very important trait in a friend. We need to know we can count on a friend; that our friends will be there when they say they will.

Traits of caring: empathy

Friendship implies caring for each other, and one way to do this is to be empathic. A friend should be able to understand what is going on with us, interact, and respond accordingly.

Traits of caring: good listening skills

A friend is supposed to listen to you, and vice-versa. We want to share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others, and that's what friends are for.

Traits of caring: being supportive in good times

The same goes for when good things happen in our lives. We should be able to count on people who support us and are happy, not envious or bitter, about our success.

Traits of congeniality: fun to be around

We all like to be around fun people. And by fun, we don't mean your friends need to entertain you at all times. We mean people who don't always carry a negative energy and drag you down with it.