‘I never felt fully relaxed there’, Lingering memories, ‘It was too much, too soon’, Living apart together, ‘I felt my mother’s presence was being erased’

For many, the reality of moving into the gap left by a departed spouse is challenging

You fall in love, you commit, you move in together… and that’s when it all goes wrong. Or at least it might, if you’re the new partner, moving into the home your beloved shared with their ex. Add older children who’ve had to cope with divorce or bereavement into the mix and many couples decide it makes a lot more sense to live apart.

TV presenter Eamonn Holmes lives 200 miles from his girlfriend, Katie Alexander, who remains in Yorkshire with her children, while Gwyneth Paltrow and husband Brad Falchuk reportedly retained separate homes until the children (from previous marriages) were grown up.

But it’s not just children getting used to someone new that causes concern – for many, the reality of moving into the gap left by a departed spouse is challenging.

‘I never felt fully relaxed there’

“When we met 15 years ago, Paul had been amicably divorced for three years,” says Siobhan Veitch*, 56, a teacher from Liverpool. “He still lived in the big Victorian semi they’d bought together. We dated for 18 months, but I never felt fully relaxed there,” she admits.

“There were reminders of Lisa everywhere – the stylish bedroom decor, the lovely garden, and there were still family photographs up,” says Siobhan. “Paul’s not very observant and I don’t think he even registered them.”

Their daughter, Carla, then 22, had left, but her room was still there for her, explains Siobhan. “It all added to the sense that I was on somebody else’s turf and I struggled to explain without sounding jealous.”

But as their romance blossomed and moving in together loomed, “I explained how much Lisa’s ongoing presence bothered me. He was very understanding and gave me carte blanche to redecorate. We put their family pictures in Carla’s room, and over the next year, we gradually revamped the house together,” she says. “Now, it feels like ours.”

Lingering memories

But think carefully before you move into the ex-marital home, says counsellor Georgina Sturmer. “Making this move might leave us feeling haunted by the lingering presence or memories of an ex,” she warns. “This can lead to resentment or even jealousy of their shared past, particularly if the decor or furniture remains unchanged.”

If your partner was bereaved, this can potentially make it even more complex.

“We may feel that the property seems ‘haunted’ by their memory – it could even feel like a shrine,” Sturmer adds. “This might represent a healthy part of the grieving process, but it will act as a constant reminder to the new partner, and could even leave them feeling watched or judged by the ‘perfect’ late spouse.”

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Brad Falchuk lived apart for the first year of their marriage, spending four nights a week together before returning to their respective homes - Stephen Lovekin/Variety/Penske Media via Getty Images

‘It was too much, too soon’

It may be wise to retain separate homes for a while, agrees Sarah Sinclair*, 68, from Wiltshire, who was widowed at 54.

“When Jonathan died from pancreatic cancer, I was in shock. It was less than a year from diagnosis to hospice. We were childless by choice, and suddenly it was just me rattling round our big old farmhouse,” she explains. “I joined a local bereavement group so I didn’t have to keep burdening friends with my grief.”

Sarah struck up a friendship with widower Richard. “I found being with him a great comfort. After about a year, we slipped into a gently romantic relationship. He was selling his marital home but he wasn’t sure where to go next,” she says. “On an impulse I suggested he move in with me – separate rooms, but we could enjoy being around each other.”

Sarah hoped it would mark the start of a new phase, “but within just a few weeks I knew it was a mistake.

“Jonathan and I had met at university, we were very compatible. We were also both tidy. Richard left a trail of pans, damp towels and footprints. I tried not to criticise, but whenever I saw the debris, I felt another stab of grief for Jonathan,” she admits. “I’d also feel a strange shock when I saw a figure in the room, and it wasn’t Jonathan but Richard. One day, he was reading a book that I knew Jonathan would have hated, and all I could think about was how wrong it felt to have him in the same space.”

Eventually, Sarah felt Richard’s residency had to end. “I think I said something like, ‘I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed…’ and because he’s kind, he said he could tell and that he’d go to stay with his sister and perhaps we could keep seeing each other.”

But once he’d left, she confesses, “I almost felt the house breathe a sigh of relief. It had been much too soon, and I couldn’t feel anything more than friendship towards Richard after that. We are still friends, and I still live there alone.” Sarah adds, “I’d advise anyone in my position to grieve properly before they even think about filling the vacated space in their home – and when you do meet someone new, maybe live separately for a while.”

Living apart together

In fact, 2024 research from Lancaster University and University College London found that over-60s who keep their own living spaces enjoy “better mental wellbeing”, while for those in new romantic relationships, “living apart together” is 10 times more likely than embarking on a new marriage, and 64 per cent were happily living within 30 minutes of one another.

It may well be easier than the endless negotiations and emotional potholes that come with moving into the ex-spouse’s house – particularly if they’re still around.

“If the ex continues to keep one foot in the door, then this can feel destabilising,” says Sturmer. “We all need our home to feel safe and private.”

Much of it comes down to how secure we feel in the relationship, and in ourselves, she says, but it’s helpful to agree ground rules.

“Boundaries are key to helping both parties feel understood and respected.”

It’s also useful to acknowledge the issue upfront. “Start by reflecting on what really matters to each of you, and use ‘I statements’ to express how you are feeling, like, ‘I find it really hard that this house is full of pictures that date back to your previous relationship’, then add a ‘because’ to explain your reasoning – ‘because I feel a bit sad and jealous every time I look at them’,” she adds.

This honesty and vulnerability removes any sense of accusation, says Sturmer. But while both older partners might be able to navigate the difficulties, what about the adult children who suddenly find their step-parent installed in the master bedroom, and their own mum or dad banished from memory?

‘I felt my mother’s presence was being erased’

Vix Munro, a financial coach from Somerset, was 13 when her father remarried after her mother’s death two years earlier. “It wasn’t discussed with me and my sisters – instead, we were told,” she says. “I wasn’t happy with her moving in, I was still grieving my mother’s death. After the marriage, they redecorated – I assumed it was her who wanted to make the changes. I don’t know if that was true,” she says now. “There had been several wedding photos of my mother in our living room. These were all removed and replaced with photos from my father and stepmother’s wedding. There were none left of my mother,” Vix recalls.

Vix Munro was 13 when her father remarried after her mother’s death two years earlier - John Lawrence

“There was also a reallocation of bedrooms. Whereas my mother and father had taken the smallest bedroom, my father and stepmother took the biggest. I felt my mother’s presence was being erased.”

Now, she says, “As an adult, I understand that my stepmother moved into our home and needed it to feel it was hers too. However, that should have been done in a sympathetic way, given that there were children involved.”

With hindsight, Munro says, “I think it’s about striking a balance between not erasing the deceased partner while also giving the new partner a presence.’

She also points out that the teenagers should have been included in decision making around decoration, and offered a place to pay tribute to their mother with photographs or items on display.

“It’s about having a reminder of the past, which is not just important for the children of the deceased,” she says, “but also, the surviving spouse.”

Sturmer says, “There may be a complex set of loyalties and emotions, which warrants a calm discussion between the two adults to negotiate the possible sources of tension.” And, she adds, “when the children do return home, it’s helpful to have another set of conversations. To acknowledge that this is a new relationship and way of being – and that it shouldn’t simply be a continuation of a past existence.”

*Names have been changed, as have those of their family members

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