Judy Wolff and Alex Ruschanow have been in a committed relationship for three decades. But they have never reached a major milestone traditionally considered to be a key part of a serious partnership: cohabitation.

“Every time we meet, it’s like an event. It’s something to look forward to, and that’s a nice thing,” says Wolff.

What are living-apart-together couples?, Defying convention, ‘Independence was high on the list’, Doing it for the kids, Key points

Judy Wolff, a retired librarian, and Alex Ruschanow, a retired tradesman, have been together for 30 years. They have never lived together.

The retired librarian and Ruschanow, a retired tradesman, met at a folk music club in Melbourne. Wolff had recently split from her partner and had two school-aged children at home.

“I remember saying to Alex, ‘Look you’re dating me, not my kids.’ I wanted that to be separate,” she says.

Ruschanow had lived with a former partner for 13 years, the last three of which he spent caring for her. The relationship became toxic so he was wary of wandering down the same path with a new partner.

Both now 73, the couple maintain busy lives – Wolff staying active with circus performing and playing the clarinet in a local orchestra, and Ruschanow working with ceramics and scrap metal, and singing in a local choir.

“We’ve got different tastes, different views, but a lot of our stuff aligns. The planets come together so we feel good with each other,” says Ruschanow.

They see one another several times a week, but have previously spent extended periods together, such as when recovering from major operations.

It’s this element of their relationship – a commitment despite living apart – that’s key.

“We have each other’s backs,” says Ruschanow.

Wolff says: “If I had to describe our relationship in one word, it would be ‘contentment’.”

What are living-apart-together couples?

Living-apart-together or LAT couples, as sociologists refer to them, make the conscious choice to maintain separate homes over the long term. They are not separated due to work or family commitments (like fly-in, fly-out families), nor are they in the transition stage before cohabitation.

Quantifying the number of living-apart-together couples can be hard. However, in 2019, more than 1.8 million Australians reported having an intimate partner they didn’t live with, according to the Household Income and Labour Dynamics Survey from 2021. Of this group, almost 80 per cent lived within an hour’s travel of one another, while 89 per cent saw one another in person at least once a week.

Some of the earliest forms of LAT relationships were observed in Western Europe in the 1970s, while in the US, the number of married couples who lived apart increased by 25 per cent between 2000 and 2019.

Relationships NSW chief executive Elisabeth Shaw has noticed an increase in LAT couples, particularly those in the “middle stages” of life who are not willing to blend families or who have come to value their independence. She says the two main benefits are protection of assets and having “distinct, independent time, without having to defend or justify it”.

Many well-known couples, from Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera to Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk, have enjoyed separate living arrangements. But living apart typically relies on a level of financial privilege.

Wolff and Ruschanow say their arrangement is made possible only because they could afford to buy their own homes.

House prices in Australia have risen about 38 per cent in the past five years while divorce is at its lowest level since the introduction of no-fault divorce in 1976, a fall that has been attributed in part to the lack of affordable housing. Recently, the number of couples separated but living under the same roof has also risen.

Living apart together couples buck this trend.

Defying convention

Sharon Hyman, a Canadian filmmaker who is working on a documentary about the living arrangement, founded an online community for couples who live apart. She says LAT relationships often face judgment.

“When I speak to people in the group in their 20s and 30s, they still feel the pressure from Hollywood movies and romance novels, where you meet somebody, you fall in love, and then you live together,” Hyman says.

Says Shaw: “We’ve got this standard in society that relationships play out one way.”

But she says LAT couples say they have just as much care and love for one another.

“[Society’s] beliefs really come from the idea that there’s only one way to prove true love.”

Hyman coined the term “Apartners” for her online community, which she believes is the largest of its kind globally, with more than 7000 members worldwide, including in Australia.

Having been with her partner, David, for 26 years, Hyman believes living apart is key to a happy and healthy relationship.

‘It’s been 26 years, and every time David comes over, I’m so excited to see him. I don’t know a lot of couples who could say that.’
Sharon Hyman

“When you have time alone, you get to recharge your batteries ... and then you become a better partner because when you’re together, it’s very intentional,” she says.

“It’s been 26 years, and every time David comes over, I’m so excited to see him. I don’t know a lot of couples who could say that.”

Other benefits include maintaining children’s routines separately, and avoiding squabbles over domestic duties, the burden of which women tend to bear.

Hyman sees the trend as emblematic of a broader shift in the way we think about relationships.

“Don’t expect to get everything out of one person ... nobody could meet those expectations.”

The findings of a 2024 study of 50,000 UK adults suggested those in LAT relationships had similar levels of mental wellbeing and mental distress to those in conventional married or cohabiting relationships. Hyman credits the LGBTQ community with paving the way for LAT couples, who inherently defy conventional ideas around what partnership looks like.

“They really have taught us different ways to look to and determine what is family,” she says.

She stresses she’s not against co-habitation, but an advocate for flexibility in relationship structures.

‘Independence was high on the list’

Hobart couple Lauren Watson (left) and Jess Yasuda, pictured with Yasuda’s cat, Ava, are in a living-apart-together relationship.

Hobart couple Lauren Watson, 37, and Jess Yasuda, 39, have been together for three years, during which time they’ve lived an hour apart from one another. They met online, and each has three children from previous marriages.

“We actually had a really good discussion on our third date about what kind of relationship we were looking for, and we were on the same page, with independence being really high on that list,” says Watson, explaining they also chose not to blend their families.

For Yasuda, a small business owner and entrepreneur, independence was not just about having her own space (“I’m a bit of a clean freak ... I get really stressed if housework isn’t done, so I know I’m not easy to live with,” she says), but financial independence, too.

“I earn more money than Lauren, and I don’t ever want to feel that resentment of feeling like I’m financially looking after someone again, because that’s been a dynamic for me in the past.”

Despite the benefits, both concede the arrangement can be challenging if there is an emergency.

‘There’s a stereotype with lesbians that they move in with each other after the second date and blend really quickly ... they can become quite co-dependent.’
Lauren Watson

Watson acknowledges the LGBTQ community has typically challenged traditional family structures, but says questioning of their relationship has, paradoxically, come mainly from within the community.

“There’s a stereotype with lesbians that they move in with each other after the second date and blend really quickly ... they can become quite co-dependent,” she says.

She credits the time apart with maintaining their physical relationship too.

“I think it’s kept our sex life really active. We’re three years in, and it feels like nothing’s changed.”

“We get to really cherish each other,” says Yasuda.

Doing it for the kids

Yvette Evans-Streeter and Ed Streeter lived in separate homes after getting married.

Yvette Evans-Streeter and Ed Streeter met in 2021, marrying not long after in 2022.

But for three years, they lived in separate parts of Sydney. Each has young children from previous marriages, so they wanted stability for their kids as they saw them through their final years of schooling.

During this time, Evans-Streeter kept an arrangement often called “bird-nesting” with her ex, in which their kids stay in the family home and the pair rotated in and out, living in a one-bedroom apartment they bought together on their off-weeks.

“I wish more people would do [what we did], because there are so many failures at blending families, because often the adults want it, but the children don’t. We have given our children a lot of time and space and not interrupted their lives in order to blend,” says Evans-Streeter.

While the pair are now happily cohabitating (along with Evans-Streeter’s three adult sons, the girlfriend of her eldest and Streeter’s two children), they say the time apart gave them an appreciation for one another.

“I’m excited I get to come home to Yvette,” says Streeter.

He says some people were shocked by their decision to marry and not live together, while others were surprised they were putting their children first in the new relationship.

Says Evans-Streeter: “Especially when you’re bringing children into a relationship, being married to someone because you love them and want to be with them is a completely different issue to living with them. Those decisions don’t have to be made at the same time.

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Key points

Living-together-apart (LAT) relationships are those in which couples make the conscious choice to maintain separate homes in the long term.

In 2019, over 1.8 million Australians reported having an intimate partner they didn’t live with.

There are many reasons couples may choose to live apart, including a desire for independence and freedom, protecting one’s assets, having children from previous relationships and maintaining boundaries around domestic duties.