Because I Said So

Picture this: you're rushing around the house, trying to get everyone ready for school, and your child asks "Why can't I wear my pajamas to school?" Instead of taking a breath and explaining, you blurt out the classic "Because I said so!" Sound familiar? Research shows that "Because I said so" shuts down communication and teaches blind obedience, while explaining your reasoning, even briefly, helps your child feel respected.

According to research by Betty Hart and Todd Risley, children who heard less words, including harsher more prohibitive speech, less complex vocabulary, and less conversational give-and-take, do not reach their full potential in life, intellectually and emotionally. This same study found that there is literally a 30-million-word gap between children whose parents focus on communication and those who do not.

When we cut off conversation with authoritarian phrases, we're essentially stunting our child's emotional and intellectual growth.

You're So Smart

Wait, what? Isn't telling your child they're smart a good thing?

Here's where it gets tricky. Research has shown that tossing out a generic compliment like "Good girl" or "Way to go" every time your child masters a skill makes them dependent on your affirmation rather than their own motivation.

This is known as the self-deflation hypothesis which theorizes that excessive praise sets unrealistic standards and eventually lowers the child's self-esteem. When you constantly praise intelligence rather than effort, children become afraid to take risks because they don't want to appear "not smart." Instead of providing excessive and vague positive feedback whenever your child accomplishes something—save the kudos for when they're truly warranted and be as specific as you can.

For example, instead of "Super game," you can say, "That was a nice assist. I like how you looked for your teammate".

This way, you're teaching them to value hard work and specific skills rather than just being labeled as "smart."

Why Can't You Be More Like Your Sister

Few phrases can destroy a child's sense of self-worth faster than being compared to someone else. The seemingly innocuous statement, "Why can't you be more like [another child's name]?" can profoundly affect a child's self-esteem and emotional well-being.

When parents make these comparisons, they're essentially telling their child that who they are isn't good enough. When children are constantly measured against their peers, they may internalize the message that their worth is contingent upon their ability to match or surpass others.

Repeated comparisons can fuel feelings of resentment toward both the child being compared to and the parent making the comparisons. Children may harbor resentment toward their peers for being held up as benchmarks of success and toward their parents for imposing unrealistic expectations.

This creates a toxic dynamic where siblings become rivals instead of allies.

Stop Crying

When your child is having a meltdown in the grocery store, your first instinct might be to make it stop immediately. But telling them to "stop crying" is like telling them to stop breathing – it's dismissing a natural human response.

This dismissive phrase can invalidate a child's feelings and teaches them to hide emotions rather than express them. Children need to learn that all emotions are valid, even the uncomfortable ones.

Instead of yelling at them, you stay calm and acknowledge that it's understandable to be upset when you don't get something you want. This is scientifically proven to pacify your child.

When disappointment is compassionately witnessed and you are emotionally soothing, the child's brain and body stress response is reduced. Think of emotions like weather – they come and go, but trying to suppress them only makes them more powerful.

You're Making Me Crazy

This phrase might seem harmless when you're at your wit's end, but it puts an enormous burden on your child. You're essentially telling them that they're responsible for your emotional state, which is both unfair and untrue.

Children don't have the cognitive ability to regulate their parent's emotions – they're still learning to manage their own! Using this phrase can invoke negative feelings about a parent and lead to identity struggles and resentment.

Children might start walking on eggshells, constantly worried about "making" their parent upset. Instead, try saying something like "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now, and I need a moment to collect myself." This models healthy emotional regulation and takes responsibility for your own feelings.

Wait Until Your Father Gets Home

This old-school threat creates several problems at once. First, it delays consequences, making them less effective.

Second, it undermines your authority as a parent. Third, it paints the other parent as the "bad guy" or enforcer.

One goal 47% of parents said they are setting is to be more consistent with discipline. And 78% of parents say they are going to strive to be more patient in 2024.

Children need immediate, consistent responses to their behavior. When you postpone discipline, you're essentially teaching them that there's a window of time where rules don't apply.

Most children would benefit from a mix of both structure and empathy. You can discipline your child and set firm boundaries, while also acknowledging how they are feeling.

Handle issues as they arise, with the parent who's present taking responsibility.

You Always Do This

Words like "always" and "never" are relationship killers, even with children. Using absolutes like "always" or "never" can be damaging and create a negative pattern that may lead to hopelessness.

When you tell a child they "always" mess up or "never" listen, you're essentially creating a negative identity for them that becomes self-fulfilling. Children are still developing their sense of self, and they often live up (or down) to our expectations.

Instead of using absolutes, address the specific behavior: "Right now, you're not listening to my instructions" or "This morning, you forgot to put your dishes away." This approach focuses on the behavior rather than attacking their character, giving them room to grow and change.

Conclusion

The words we speak to our children don't just disappear into thin air – they become part of their inner voice. By replacing toxic phrases with loving language, parents are doing more than correcting behavior—they're fostering deep connection, emotional resilience, and lasting self-worth.

This movement reflects what experts have been saying for years: children thrive not just when they're disciplined, but when they feel seen, valued, and loved unconditionally. Breaking these communication patterns isn't easy, especially when we're stressed or tired.

But every time we choose connection over control, explanation over dismissal, and encouragement over comparison, we're building a stronger relationship with our children. When we change the way we speak to our children, we change the way they see themselves—and the world around them.

The next time one of these phrases is on the tip of your tongue, take a breath and remember: your words have the power to build up or tear down. Which will you choose?